Why do people get rejected

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Picked last for the kickball team. Leary, PhD , professor of psychology and neuroscience at the Interdisciplinary Behavioral Research Center at Duke University, where he researches human emotions and social motivations. Leary defines rejection as when we perceive our relational value how much others value their relationship with us drops below some desired threshold.

What makes the bite in rejection so particularly gnarly may be because it fires up some of the same pain signals in the brain that get involved when we stub our toe or throw out our back, Leary explains. Subsequent research found that the pain we feel from rejection is so akin to that we feel from physical pain that taking acetaminophen such as Tylenol after experiencing rejection actually reduced how much pain people reported feeling — and brain scans showed neural pain signaling was lessened, too.

This is the case of the son who wants to be a musician, but whose father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him. Or the introverted and reserved boyfriend who feels rejected because his girlfriend criticizes him for not being more outgoing, like her. Sometimes rejection is simply caused by an incompatibility of values, beliefs, or personality types between people. This is that scenario where rejection happens because people disagree with our life choices, or because they simply have different opinions, lifestyles, or personalities than us.

In these cases, all you can really do is accept that someone else is rejecting you because of their expectations for you.

And they are entitled to that choice. Accept that this is generally their issue, not yours. Or it could just be a compatibility issue neither of you is responsible for. But the distinction becomes much clearer when we develop self-awareness about our behaviors and how they affect others. Rejection image via Shutterstock. Keenan Patram is a thinker and writer. It may not seem like it right away, but rejection can provide opportunities for self-discovery and growth.

This might devastate you at first. Reframing your fear as a chance for growth can make it easier to try for what you want and lessen the pain if you fail. Rejection can be particularly frightening when you read too much into it. Consider giving yourself a couple of actionable backup plans or coming up with counterarguments to some of your main fears.

Realizing this can help you prioritize developing strong friendships , too, which can help insulate you against loneliness. Going for what you want gives you the chance to experience success. You might experience rejection — but then again, you might not.

This is part of exposure therapy. You can try this yourself, but a therapist can also help you create a list and work through it. But this just reinforces your belief that the rejection was your fault when it may have had nothing to do with you at all. Spending time with people who care about you can reinforce your knowledge that you are, in fact, wanted. Knowing your loved ones have your back, no matter what happens, can make the possibility of rejection seem less scary.

It may be time to consider reaching out to a therapist if your fear of rejection:. Rejection can sting and make you doubt yourself. But fearing it may limit you, preventing you from experiencing much of what life has to offer.